Sometimes the Best Medicine is a Healthy Dose of Fear

I've been getting some grief about having only one blog posted thus far, and my response to that is: You can't force ah-ha moments, people!! The truth is, I've had many ah-ha moments since my last post, but haven't been entirely comfortable posting such deeply personal things on a forum for the world to see (which kind of defeats the purpose of a blog, I know). But I'll get over it.

During my blog writing hiatus, I have been presented with challenges in my life that one might say require a certain "fearlessness". I have been thinking about the word "fearless" and I have decided that there really is no such thing. I don't believe that anyone is ever truly without fear. In fact, I think fear is a wonderful thing! The best decisions I've ever made and the most amazing I have ever performed came from a place of inexplicable terror. I have often amazed myself at what I am capable of when I pull out all the stops and bring the best part of my will to meet the fear head on. It's like jumping over a hurdle. If it is a tiny step stool that you know you will have no problem clearing, you probably wouldn't even jump, you would just step over the stool. But if it were a cement wall that was taller than you are that you are trying to clear, you are going to come up with a strategy, get a huge running start, and jump with all your might. The fear of smacking face first into the cement wall is what makes you dig deep and use everything you got.

A few weeks ago we were presented with an assignment in my acting class that sent fear piercing through our souls and had us all questioning our abilities as actors.... SNL AUDITIONS!!!! We had to do what is required in an actual audition for Saturday Night Live, which consists of coming up with three original characters and three celebrity impersonations, and then preparing a one-minute monologue as each. Excuse me?!?! I'm barely funny when it's material written by an Emmy-winning sitcom writer and you want me to come up with my own stuff?!? The fear washed over me like a rogue wave and I immediately began contemplating calling in "sick" that week. But once I got over the initial shock (and my own ego), I took on the motto coined by my acting coach herself: "Dare to Suck." I rehearsed like I had never rehearsed before. I spent hours watching videos of celebrities to impersonate online and I studied their voice and movements and their trademark idiosyncrasies, and spent most of my waking hours up to class thinking about the assignment. I dug deeper for this assignment than I ever have before because I wasn't sure I could clear the cement wall. Well, clear it I did. It was the greatest class I have ever had and every single person in that room was the most brilliant I had ever seen them. Actors who have spent their lives studying drama and realism suddenly became believable cast members on SNL. The reason is, we dug deep! We prepared more and studied more and committed more to this assignment than any other because the fear of failure forced us to pull out all the stops.

Fear has shown me what I am truly capable of. It has tested my limits and shown me that I really don't have any. As Eleanor Roosevelt said, "You gain strength, courage, and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You must do the thing which you think you cannot do." I am not a fearless person. If I were "without fear" I would probably spend my life just stepping over the tiny step stool. Fear has just forced me to get a huge running start and jump with all my might.